Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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