We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
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i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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