1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish I could punch you in the face.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
