Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
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The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
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Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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