I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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