Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
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A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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