I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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