I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
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I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Drunk is not a location!
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Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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