I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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