If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
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Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
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Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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