hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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