Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
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I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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