You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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