Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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