I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
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We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
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Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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