This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
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We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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