Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
where does the pee come out of this thing
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
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Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
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I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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