I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
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The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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