I think I died a long time ago.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
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Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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