the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
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there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
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He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize