She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
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I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
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He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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