Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize