I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
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I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
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She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
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