I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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