My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
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He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
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Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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