I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
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you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
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So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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