Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
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I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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