so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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