You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
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You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize