sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
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Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think I sprained my soul last night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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