Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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