We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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