Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
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You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
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In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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