So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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