It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
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literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
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How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
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