Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
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If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
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She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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