Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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