Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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