Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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