First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
