I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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