I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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