this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
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Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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