even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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