I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize