i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize