if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize