the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
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His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
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I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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