Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
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Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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