She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
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Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
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I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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